Violence and Me.

Just last night I was warned by a counselor in church not to sneak up behind people and "attack" them, or hit or slit throat or surprise or hurt anyone in any way.
And its not the first time I've been warned in such a way.
I have 3 misconduct notices (almost a suspension) from violence in one year at school.
-I bruised some kid
-I broke the sharpener
-I kicked a bouncy ball into some kid's head

Why is it that I am so violent?
I know I have some self control issues.

But why?
I don't have ADD or Dyslexia or Schicophfsdhflajflehwhateverphrenia or any mental diseases (that I have been diagnosed of [yet], but I have suspicions that I might suffer from some kind of bipolar disorder).

But again, why violence?
For some reason, whenever I look at someone, some of the first things I notice aren't appearance or whatever, but points of weakness/strength, how they and others (objects or people) around them might react if whatever things occurred. Things as in VIOLENT things.

My brain just starts playing out scenarios with the physics involved in what might happen, seeing how people might react due to emotion and stuff.
And then I have an impulse to attack them somehow.

My favorite is when I'm behind someone. I imagine sneaking up to them and...

I catch myself in the thought and stop myself with the violence nowadays.
But I always manage to slip back into that world again.

I have a theory why.

Maybe it is because I like to be in control of things, to know things, to be on top of everything.
If I can make myself feel that I can defeat everyone, that I know everything, then it feels good.

Of course, I'm not that arrogant (I think) and that only occurs in my subconscious mind. But If it does, how would I know about it?


Well, I guess I have to stop thinking so much about violence and accept the fact that I am no better than anyone else, in mind or in body. It is hard, sure, but I guess I'll get used to it.

But I can't help but think that that kind of violent mind might be good in some way or another.
Maybe when some fool attacks me on the street it'll come to use.
Nevertheless, the final point is, that violence isn't that great for the mind.

One day, I fear I might lose myself in anger and if my brain starts doing what it is used to without a sane self to stop it, I might actually do something bad. Like as in BAD, bad. Then again, maybe that has already happened to me (scroll up to the stuff about my misbehavior conducts...)

It worries me a lot.
Now that I think about it, I've even hit Ryan and Alvis (if you go to my school you would know that they are some of my best friends [Ironically, that comment is for those who DON'T go to my school...]) alot.

Oh my. It is dinnertime.


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UPDATE:
Extra Example Here